the cure for humanity

 Dr. Imus B. Joe. King

 

“Salivation is salvation,”

Aristotle, 785 B.C.E. (not the Aristotle, just some regular Greek called Aristotle Bobby)

“Hi everybody! (Hi Dr. Nick!) I fully and unconditionally endorse Bat Salivation Therapy,” Dr Nick Riveria. Springfield’s alternative choice in health-care.

“Pain is a concept by which we measure our Salivation Needs,” John Lemon

 

Our therapy is often incorrectly called “Baseball Bat and Spit Therapy” by those who know nothing about it, whenever you see the media use that, just dismiss their criticism.  Just because my first book was a book about therapy called The Baseball Bat and Spit Approach  (1982, Cash-In-Hand Publishing Co.) does not mean the therapy is called “Baseball Bat and Spit Therapy.” It was just a name of a book. 

WARNING:

Many people today are claiming to practice Bat Salivation Therapy  that have no training at our Institute, or at least not enough training.  These charlatans, or “mock batters” as I call them, have been known to do terrible things with baseball bats, and they get the Spitting all wrong.  And with this warning I hereby take no responsibility for the effects of my theory or therapy when practiced by anybody outside my practice.  I also resolve myself of any responsibility for patients of my own institute, because when they complain it is obvious that they had too much Spit and no therapy could help them. Please contact us to receive a full list of those therapists we approve of, and profit from.

The Discovery

Years, years ago, I was returning to my therapists office in an expensive area of Los Angeles, carrying my baseball bat from batting practice, and I accidentally knocked a patient on the head in the waiting room.  Suddenly, he got up and started Spitting in rage and Spat repeatedly against the wall, the saliva wistfully gliding down the wall (I use the capital S for the Spitting we do in our institute to distinguish it from spitting done outside, which usually is all wrong).  After 5 minutes of Spitting he turned around beaming and said, “you know what, I feel better!”  You could see his face was softened, and he looked at least 10 years younger.  I at first dismissed the case, but a week later he wrote a wonderful testimonial, (which I paid him for, of course) in which he said “I felt something for the first time in my life, the pain has gone away and I actually feeeel”.

I consulted with UCLA and UCI scientists, (well actually patients who dropped out of the UC to join our group), who told me that knocks to the head can indeed change brain function and form, and even reach the lower levels of the brain almost never reached in rubbish “talk therapies” (talk therapy people are all robots, treat them as such or they will turn you into a robot.)

Previously, for years I had practiced conventional therapy, but nothing had ever worked like this.  Notice how the empirical observation came before the theory, as it should in science.

This was the beginning of many decades of a long journey, and many studies have been performed that confirmed our earlier findings.  Patient after patient reported the same changes, an increased consciousness, lower vital signs, a younger face, breast growth in women and penis growth in men.  One person even recovered from AIDS. Yet another walked on water.  Another patient was actually literally dead (yes, clinically had no vital signs and had rigor-mortis) and we brought him back to life in therapy.  It may sound like I am a savior, but I am not, it is science working.

A recent survey we did, by our believers, I mean patients, suggested that 95% felt more alive as a result of BS therapy. We told the group that most winners feel more alive as a result of the therapy, then we asked those who didn’t feel more alive to raise their hand, and only 1 (5%) (loser! ha ha!) raised his hand.  He didn’t get laid in the BS therapeutic community for a long time after that. Serves him right.  However, a year later, he wrote me a fantastic miracle testimonial and he started getting tail again.  See the therapy works!   

You’re Sick! 

The world is suffering from a nervous breakdown. Everyone is irritable, people are dying, there is war, corrupt politicians and global warning. Why? Well, I have the answer: Everyone’s sick due to Spit-trauma.

Do you ever get an itch on your head?  If so, you may be suppressing long repressed Spit-trauma memories.  If you have ever felt a bit down or frustrated, or ever had a bit of muscle tension in your shoulders, this therapy is for you. If you have ever picked your nose (a common act out for Spit-suppressives) then you are almost unsalvagably sick with batless-spitless-therapyless-syndrome.  We can save you.  If you have ever forgotten your keys, we can help.

You’re sick, and the more people I can convince of this fact the more money and fame I get.  We are all sick {well except maybe the Spit Therapists who have emptied their Saliva-Pool of Spit-trauma (don’t try and visualize that one)}.  In fact I hereby apply some additional social pressure to keep this movement going: I deeply admire those who are real enough to admit they are sick.

By the way, did I mention that you’re sick? You are unreal and living a half-life existence and you need to come and do our expensive therapy.  Life will be a tension-free-love-fest and you will attain a higher level of consciousness, I promise.  Just quit what you are doing and come and join us, you are wasting time. 

ps: You’re sick.

How to Apply 

First you must read my book, and we will interview you to see if you believe strongly in the therapy.  If you are perfectly fine, and likely to attribute that to the therapy afterwards, you will be accepted into the cult, I mean institute.  If you are not fine, but are likely to write us a good testimonial before you slide into obscurity, then you will be admitted also.  If the therapist who is interviewing you has an upset stomach that day, you will be labeled a sociopath at the interview stage. If we are short on patients, everybody will be admitted, but everybody must sign a legal document saying they will never discuss what went on in BS therapy.

Common Misunderstandings in Bat and Salivation therapy. 

It was never just hitting someone over the head with a baseball bat and telling them to spit.  That is mechanical and not what we do here at the institute.  We have developed special techniques that we keep secret to prevent charlatans from copying these abusive techniques, and only these techniques done by my staff or me can cure neurosis and humanity. These special techniques are abusive if used by anyone else but me, but when I use them they are not abusive, and if one of my patient complains they are difficult, unreal and ‘resisting.’ 

Charlatans often hit the baseball bat to the head far too hard, something we never do anymore.  In fact we stopped doing that in the early 1980s.  And don’t get me started on the spitting, I have heard reports that some patients have become dehydrated as a result of improper BS therapy.  This is something I take no responsibility for.  We learned early on how to watch for the danger signals of dehydration, and we do so in a way we cannot reveal because it may be misused.

Some BS Therapy groups have sprung up that claim that they can retrieve memories of past-life salivation needs, or egg-sperm salivation needs.  I believe that is incorrect, we base our ideas on over 30 years of sound, up to date science, and we use the existence of these past-life-salivation groups to make our own beliefs look quite balanced, sane and professional.

Some mock therapists in the UK, India and Australia have taken to using a cricket bat instead of a baseball bat.  We strongly warn the public about such therapists and advise the potential patient to contact our institute for a full list on who we recommend.

The Scientific Proof

Years ago Dr William Frey showed that adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH), the stress hormone is released in tears, saliva and other bodily secretions.  I calculated that to get that stress out (and it leaves forever, by the way, increasing longevity and increasing your attractiveness) Spitting must be the most effective way.  It is self evident and axiomatic. Tears for example only amount to a thimble full, and takes some time to get there, but with Spitting we have calculated that a full 311.27 mL can be excreted in a 2 hour session (we use an empty soda can).  Note we measured that amount to 5 significant figures, which means that we are significantly correct about it. We carefully titrate the amount of spitting done scientifically, something not done anywhere else. This confirms what we have been saying for decades before, BS therapy is the ONLY therapy to bring about permanent reduction in stress.  It works, and the patients know it!

This picture of a neuron further legitimizes our claims, not only do neurotransmitters carry some of the same chemicals as saliva, the cell body consists of a similar fluid that encases the nucleus:

 

 

 

 

 

 

In fact BS therapy is the ONLY physically based psychotherapy around, the only one to reach the lower levels.  ACTH in the saliva is part of the physiological brain/hormone system, so rather than relying on cognitive talk, we go directly to the deep brain structures, the reptilian brain.  In fact we achieve the same change in hormones and neurotransmitters that are achieved in the new deep brain surgery techniques.  Only we do it without the surgery.

By the way, scientists who dispute this therapy probably are really repressed or something. They probably have never Spat in their lives, they wouldn’t know a Spit if they saw one.  They probably have never known the experience of being gently rapped on the head by one of our expert batters. Science can never explain the experience of how it feels after a Bat Salivation therapy session.  It is proven scientifically already, but scientists are repressed anyway, so we are covered if they disagree. (Nelson from the Simpsons says “HA-HA!”)

I now use the power of words to address criticisms about our therapy: Our therapy is scientific, falsifiable, peer reviewed and offers the first replicable psychotherapy which has predictive power rather than mere explanatory power. I also write extensively on cults and explain how cult leaders have deeply repressed Spit-traumas that they never address (unlike me). And, oh yes, before you try and shut us down, we are just on the verge of getting the necessary double blind studies that will prove the efficacy of our therapy (yes, I know we have been saying that for years, but this time we’ll do it, I promise, just give us a few more years while we earn some good money). There, that should confuse them for long enough to buy us some more time.  It’s amazing how cheaper, quicker and easier it is to write a paragraph like that, instead of actually thinking about these things that are stupid and Spit-repressed anyway.

The basic human needs 

In the womb, we ingest and breath the fluid of the womb.  The clear liquid is essential to life.  It is life itself.  It is love.  Without this fluid the baby would die.  It is the first love it knows.  It cushions and supports the baby.  (Later in life, when people say “I need more support” it is because they didn’t get enough of this fluid at birth).  On ultrasound scans, babies have been seen to cough up fluid (or Spit, if you prefer, it is the same substance, the substance of life, of love) when under stress.  It is our natural way to reduce stress, one that we mustn’t deny ourselves in adulthood, and we must stop repressing that behavior (Spitting or drooling) in children.  The world depends on it. 

As shown on this early fetal brain, we probably know what we are talking about:

 

At birth, there is what I simply call a paraencephaloschizoparietomumbopsychojumbolateralocorticotemperophysiological shift, that is the stress of the birth trauma creates an increased need to Spit.  It is this Spitting that clears the lungs and prepares the baby for life and breathing.  If the baby is stopped from Spitting, the baby is not loved, and suffers by not being able to breath properly, sometimes a lifelong problem. 

Human fetus at eight weeks. A small part of the placenta is shown at the bottom, while the fluid-filled (spit-like) amnion surrounds it:

 

In fact spit trauma at birth leads to asthma and excessive masturbation (if Spitting or drooling is blocked by parents, the child finds another outlet with another bodily fluid). 

In childhood the early birth Spit trauma is compounded by parents telling their children not to drool, or Spit.  The child becomes “unreal”, not his natural self anymore.  If he were natural, he would still be drooling in adulthood.  This is the tragedy of the American family, and nobody sees the horror of it except our insular group of patients and therapists.  It is abuse on a grand scale that nobody talks about.

In fact, our patients have blocked out the memory of when they finally stopped drooling and Spitting.  It is so incredibly painful that only with skilled therapist guidance, and strong suggestion in all of my 6 books, that the patient comes to remember the event.  Almost invariably, the patients start Spitting again.  It is such a coincidence, because in my books I say that Spitting will cure all diseases.  The spontaneous and uncontrolled Spitting from the patient only confirms that his body desperately needs to do that to heal.

We are careful to add scientific diagrams of the brain, notice how close the mouth is (the Spitting organ) to the deep structures in the brain:

Spit removes the stress hormone ACTH out of the mouth that then creates a diffusion gradient, ACTH is drawn through the roof of the mouth out of the lower levels of the brain, the limbic system.  Tears, in contrast, only remove ACTH from the orbito-frontal lobes, which leads to only temporary relief.

The baseball bat in all this comes to represent the pelvic bone of the mother in birth.  We gently hit the patient’s head with the bat in a special way that we keep secret due to all the charlatans and mock therapists out there.  For some reason, this therapy only seems to work when we do it, I don’t know why, it is just a fortunate thing because it means we get all of the world business in BS therapy.

People outside of our therapy group don’t love their children.  We must go out and educate them to stop repressing their children’s needs to Spit and drool.  Hitler would not have been so evil if he was not suppressed in infancy in this way.  So people who disagree with our therapy actually want another Hitler to be born.  Unless we can get the word out about our discoveries, I am not sure how many years we have left.  Love, as we define it (freedom of drool), will end all war, if only they would listen.  And don’t get me started on the psychological scientists, by disagreeing with us they actually are killing little babies (indirectly I admit) as a result of their inability to feel their own needs to Spit.  That’s infanticide, and if you get your family and friends to join our expensive therapy group, you will be saving the lives of little cute babies.

A New Paradigm in Psychotherapy

Thomas Kuhn wrote that in the history of science there are periodic jumps that represent major changes in the direction of a science. He labeled these jumps Paradigm Shifts. I love Kuhn because he is quoted by other brilliant scientists in esteemed bastions of knowledge like scientology, astrology, the Timecube, the Secret, homeopathy, Intelligent Design, Intelligent Falling, and the la-la-ding-dong-foil-hat-wearing-society-of-self-declared-genius-scientists. The great thing about it is that you can invent theories off the top of your head, and you don’t even have to be able to test them.  These theories are so cheap too, it’s wonderful, I love citing Kuhn and I love the Galeleo and Einstein comparisons. Never mind if Galeleo’s theories were testable and the opposition came from the church, I still love to compare myself to him. It makes me feel great. You see before I came up with this cheap theory I was a nobody, and I felt like I was getting old, and I really wanted to do something great.  After I told everybody that I could cure cancer with my spit therapy, I could gather a few people around me who treated me as if I was the next Einstein.

In our view, Baseball Bat and Spit Therapy represents a major paradigm shift in the science of psychology. Of course, mainstream science conspires against us to reject our self-declared genius theories.  But I have found that if I can convince fifty people out of the billions on the planet, I can earn some good money.  I just have to keep saying mainstream science is resisting a new paradigm shift, and I get paid.  You see the mainstream think in terms of the cognitive, and really depression is a deeply physical disease.  Only we deal with extracting physiological cause of depression. Because there can only be one cause, right?  I’m pretty sure I didn’t miss any basic logic or science in school.  I’m pretty sure I know what the difference is between correlation and cause.  Well maybe not, but thats all cognitive nonsense. The reason that the mainstream has had to used drugs and surgery is because there is no other therapy that can go deep enough to affect the areas specifically involved in processing and eliminating the stress hormones found in saliva. We can and we do. It is why we can use the word “cure.”  In fact, we are not deluding ourselves at all.

Further Proof from Observational Field Research

Spitting makes you attractive.  Just look at David Beckham, and other soccer players who Spit a lot during a match.  Okay, they are not all attractive, but on average, statistically, they are more attractive.  This I believe is due to the ACTH release in spit during soccer matches.  If you come to do BS therapy, you might become attractive like Beckham too, and easily get lots of spice.  You don’t even need to do the intense training and physical exercise that Beckham does, the muscles grow and health is maintained because of the spitting, not the exercise. You get all of the benefits without any of the hard work,  you get an ideal tensionless life and success without even trying.

But, do not try Spitting at home, that has proved to be dangerous. Instead, come and spend your life savings at our scientific institute. 

Deviation And Aberration In Bat Salivation Therapy 

I am aware that there is a deviant website out there called www.debunkingbaseballbatandspittherapy.com.  I have heard that the author of the site sacrifices little babies and eats their brains.  It is rumored that the person lives amorously with monkeys and may be a member of Al Qaeda.  So just bear that in mind when you read that blasphemous website.  Warning: Don’t read it!! It will take away your feelings and you will never be able to feel again.  You will be lost forever as an Unreal Half-Life Person, which is a twilight state in which you walk like a zombie and moan with your hands out in front of you.  I’m just saying, it’s your choice. 

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